PERSPECTIVES (5/31)

Kinky on the campaign trail

by Jody L. Slaughter

I caught an interview with Bill Clinton speaking about Kinky Friedman, the Texas musician and author who is now running as an independent for governor of Texas. Clinton, being a fan of Kinky's books, had invited Kinky to a White House dinner. After the meal, Kinky offered the President a Cuban cigar. Clinton described a nervous few seconds of trying to decide how to respond. "Uh, you know, that's illegal in this country," Clinton finally said. "You can't do that here." Kinky was quick with his retort. "Don't think of it as supporting their economy," he said. "Think of it as burning their fields."

Kinky has been labeled many things in his long and fabled career, but I think he is best described as the "King of the One-liners." A selection of some of my favorites:

• "Kinky Friedman: He never broke his word to the Indian." (early campaign slogan)


• "It was the professionals who gave us the Titanic, and amateurs who gave us the Ark."


• "I'm all for gay marriage. I think they should be just as miserable as everybody else."


• "Currently, my family consists of four dogs, four women, and four editors."


• "If Laura had married me, I'd be president of the United States, and George would be -- I don't know, managing a Wal-Mart in Midland or something. That was really very good decision-making on his part, picking Laura."


• "A fool and his money are soon elected."


• "If you elect me, I'll be the first Governor in Texas history with a listed phone number."


• "We will beat back the wussification of Texas if we have to do it one wuss at a time."


• "Every journey of 1,000 miles begins with a cash advance."


• "Yes, I'm a Judeo-Christian. Jesus and Moses are in my heart, and...both of them were independents, by the way."


• "The people of Texas are fed up with a choice of plastic or paper."


• "Friedman's just another word for nothing left to lose."


• "The teachers are getting screwed, blued, and tattooed by the system."


• "It's not the career politicians that I care about. I want to get them out just like Arnold did in California, and, after that, we'll get the Californians out of Texas."


• "I'm an Independent, which is the party of George Washington, Teddy Roosevelt, Sam Houston, and Davy Crockett."


• "I'm a Jew, I'll hire good people."

While no one from either the Republican or Democratic parties has formally announced their candidacy for governor in 2006, Kinky is already hitting the campaign trail hard. I met him at a fundraiser at the Flying Saucer (a bar, of course) in Addison where he announced, "I'll sign anything but bad legislation."

He autographed CDs, books, and campaign paraphernalia for two hours before delivering a short stump speech. His number one priority is education reform. As governor, he says he will only appoint people to education-related positions who have teaching certificates and classroom time. He also wants to do away with "teaching for the test"--referring to the current system in which students are not allowed to advance to the next grade or graduate unless they have passed a standardized test. The current system leaves little time for teachers to teach anything that will not be on that test.

Kinky also proposes a 'Texas Peace Corps' which would promote arts and life skills in Texas schools. "Musicians and artists, along with retired teachers, business executives, and police, will join us in teaching our kids how to act, play music, paint, write a check, keep accounts, and stay out of trouble," he said. Kinky has advocated tapping Laura Bush, his friend of many years, to head the Corps.

Another focus of his campaign is making sure that innocent people are not being executed on Texas' death-row. "Two thousand years ago an innocent man named Jesus Christ, was executed," he said. "What have we learned in two thousand years?"

He also advocates returning Texas to its former status as a leader in energy production by funding alternative fuel initiatives such as bio-diesel.

But Kinky has an uphill battle to even make it on the ballot.

Kinky Friedman

Texas law requires that Kinky collect almost 50,000 signatures from registered voters in the 60 days after the March primaries. Oh yeah--and none of the 50,000 can have voted in either the Republican or Democratic primaries. If he succeeds, he'll be the first independent on the ballot since Sam Houston's 1859 run for governor. Since only 29 percent of eligible voters took part in the last gubernatorial election, he's counting on the other 71 percent to sweep him into the Governor's Mansion.

He counts among his supporters the likes of Willie Nelson, Darrell Royal, Richard "Racehorse" Haynes, Robert Duvall, Pat Green, Jim Nabors, Bob Dylan and Jesse Ventura. Nelson, Duvall, Green and Nabors will, reportedly, record radio advertisements for his campaign.

Now obviously, there are many reasons why Kinky shouldn't be Governor of Texas--namely his lack of political experience, occasional use of racial epithets, swearing, sexual exploits, etc.

But guess what--I'll still vote for him.

Why? Simple. The governor of Texas, contrary to popular belief, is not a very powerful person. Compared with other U.S. governors, Texas is near the bottom in terms of real power. Most of the power of Texas' executive branch resides with the lieutenant governor and other appointees, elected officials and boards. The governor himself is more of a figurehead--and who better to be the face of Texas for the rest of the world than an actual cowboy hat-wearing, cigar-smoking, guitar-playing cowboy...who uses colorful language from time to time. I think that if we actually knew our other elected politicians, we'd find that they aren't the angels that they're made out to be either--at least Kinky is honest about it.

What a refreshing concept--a straight-shooter in the governor's mansion. It won't be easy for the Kinkster though, once the Republican and Democrat power brokers realize that he's serious about running and is mobilizing a base of support that has been neglected by the establishment, you can be sure that they are going to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to destroy him. Can Kinky weather the storm? It's hard to say.

But I ask Texas...Why not Kinky?