PERSPECTIVES (7/25)

The final solution to the astronaut problem

by Jody L. Slaughter
editor and publisher

Last Tuesday, NASAsent the Discovery space shuttle into orbit--the first U.S. launch since the Columbia disaster. The launch is only the first step in President Bush's ambitious plan to return to the moon and put a man on Mars in the coming years.

Billions of dollars are expected to be spent developing the next generation of space vehicles to accomplish these goals. At this critical junction in the U.S. space program, I believe the time is right to begin discussing the merits and means of its continuation.

I realize that the space program has helped to develop hundreds of new technological innovations. From Velcro and the Tempur-Pedic Swedish Sleep Mattress, to ways of safely drinking one's own urine--the space program has greatly enriched our everyday lives. But at what cost to society?

The space program has also forced a new class of people into our national culture. No, it's not another "huddled mass" hailing from some far-off third world dictatorship, looking to start a new life for their families. These are elitists. They care nothing about you or your family, all they care about is getting back into space where they can float around weightless and conduct their secret "experiments." That's right, I'm talking about astronauts.

It would be easy for me to use this space to bash astronauts and bring up the old rumors that we've all heard over and over again (Astronauts are addicted to Tang, they eat their breakfast upside-down, they have to eat their food out of a blender, they drink their own urine even while on Earth, and any number of 'astro-nazi' and 'moon-cheese baby' references), but I'm not going to take that path today.

Instead, I'll present an example of a family and a town ruined by astronauts. A colleague of mine, Nato Johnson, made his living speculating on real estate in the suburbs of Houston. He purchased a number of homes in the city of Katy and hoped to make a handsome profit by waiting for the right moment to sell them.

Then the astronauts moved in.

Property values in the formerly upper-class township plummeted. It seemed that no one wanted to move their families into a neighborhood inhabited by astronauts.

"From the first weekend they moved in, the astronauts started having these crazed all-night parties," Glenda Fischer, a former Katy resident, said. "I watched them bring in case after case of Tang and vodka. And my god--that horrible techno remix of the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey--they would play it over and over and over again. It was very traumatizing."

Fischer now resides in the Badlands of Montana. An area which, to her knowledge, no astronaut has ever visited.

My colleague and his business were ruined. I haven't spoken to him in several years, but the last I heard he had sold his wife and both of his children to a wealthy Hong Kong businessman and used the money he made to finance his film, "Birth of a Station." The highly controversial film is considered to be the cornerstone of the "Astro-hate" movement. Using the International Space Station as a backdrop, he outlined the worst transgressions committed by astronauts in the past 50 years.

The mass exodus of "regular" people from astronaut-ridden neighborhoods has even inspired an enterprising land developer to build "astronaut-free" housing developments outside of Houston, Orlando and Huntsville, Ala. Before allowing a person to move into the development, a thorough background check is conducted to determine if he or she is, has ever been, or has family members who are astronauts.

Now I wouldn't say that I "hate" astronauts. Hate is a word that invokes a certain passion that doesn't accurately explain my feelings. I would say that I feel the same way about astronauts as I do about cats. They're both subhuman, worthless, despicable creatures who contribute nothing of value to society and therefore don't deserve the energy of my "hate." Hey astronauts, if you hate the Earth so much and have to leave---why don't you just stay gone?

My solution is simple: Instead of trusting billions of dollars in technology to these radical and emotionally-unstable astronauts, why not set up some kind of a "jury pool" where regular citizens are selected at random, trained and sent into space for a single mission. That way, the U.S. could protect the integrity of its space program without the corruption stemming from "career astronauts."

It won't be easy to convince the public to venture into space at the government's behest, however. The threat of a human becoming impregnated with an alien fetus while in space is very real. But with the money that we'll save by ending these astronauts' six-figure salaries, we should be able to generously compensate those citizens selected to travel into space.

My critics will surely ask, what of the astronauts? What happens to them after we've eliminated their jobs. My answer: What do I care? Deport them or something. Just keep them out of my neighborhood.

President Dwight D. Eisenhower, considered by many to be the father of the U.S. space program said it best:

"They started out sending monkeys into space, that was too cruel to the monkeys so now they send astronauts."

Are the McDougals leaving Lubbock politics?

by Jody L. Slaughter
editor and publisher

First, Lubbock mayor Marc McDougal announced that he would not seek Delwin Jones' seat in the Texas House. Then a day later, McDougal's father, Delbert McDougal, announced his retirement from the Lubbock Reese Redevelopment Authority, citing frustration with criticism that he was using his position to line the pockets of his family's real estate business.

The criticisms were not completely unfounded as McDougal Realtors, McDougal Properties and McDougal Construction--the Holy Trinity of Lubbock real estate--have made handsome profits from a number of vast and often controversial development initiatives across the city.

An example is the North Overton Development Initiative which forced dozens of low income families out of their homes to make room for high-priced luxury apartments and ritzy shopping centers. Every aspect of the project from demolition and construction of the new buildings, to leasing and ongoing maintenance was carried out by McDougal companies and their contractors. Delbert, the patriarch of the McDougals' vast real estate empire--and Marc to a lesser extent--have sometimes been criticized for this conflict of interest.

In a statement following his resignation, Delbert stated that he wants to run his business without being 'targeted' by critics. He also expects the rest of his affluent family to follow suit.

"Basically, we're just going to pull back from all those committees and run our own business," he told the Lubbock A-J.

But will the rest of the McDougal clan take his advice?

Earlier this year, when Marc McDougal announced that he would not seek a third term as Lubbock's mayor, many assumed that he would challenge octogenarian Delwin Jones for his seat in the Texas House. On July 11, Marc appointed his brother, Mike McDougal, as campaign treasurer but he now says that he will not seek the House seat. But, as the saying goes, nothing in Texas politics is final until the filing deadline.

It seems as though the McDougal family is at a crossroads. Do they follow the wisdom of their patriarch and focus on doing what they do best--making tons of money in real estate? Or do they seek higher ground in state politics, as the younger generation seems to envision? It's a classic battle of old school versus new school, money versus power. Marc McDougal may just end up being the wild card in the deck of Texas politics this election season.

John Roberts Profile

John G. Roberts, Jr. was nominated July 19, 2005 by President George W. Bush to be an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States. Judge Roberts currently serves on the U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit.

Previously, he was a partner in the Washington, D.C. office of Hogan & Hartson LLP, where he headed the firm’s appellate practice. Roberts has argued more nearly 40 cases before the Supreme Court on behalf of both Hogan & Hartson’s clients and as Principal Deputy Solicitor General on behalf of the United States.

Mr. Roberts has received the Edmond J. Randolph award for outstanding service to the Department of Justice, and is currently a member of the American Law Institute and the American Academy of Appellate Lawyers. When he was nominated to his current position on the D.C. Circuit, American Bar Association rated him "well-qualified," its highest rating.


EXPERIENCE

Present:
Judge, U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit

1989-1993
Principle Deputy Solicitor General of the United States
Appointed by President George H.W. Bush

1993-2003
1986-1989
Hogan & Hartson LLP
Specializes in Supreme Court and Appellate Litigation

1982-1986
Associate Counsel to the President
U.S. President Ronald Reagan

1981-1982
Special Assistant,
U.S. Attorney General William French Smith

1980-1981
Law Clerk, Justice William H. Rehnquist
United States Supreme Court

1979-1980
Law Clerk, The Honorable Henry J. Friendly
U.S. Court of Appeals, Second Circuit


EDUCATION

1979
Juris Doctorate, Harvard Law School
Graduated magna cum laude
Managing Editor, Harvard Law Review

1976
Bachelor of Arts Degree, Harvard College
Graduated summa cum laude

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Information gathered from various news articles and John G. Roberts’ bio at Hogan & Hartson LLP

PERSPECTIVES (7/18)

A Pirated Movie Review

by Aaron Bennett Presley, esq.

Although freed from French
colonialism in 1960 and found off the South African
coast under Mozambique, I will not be writing about
Madagascar the country. No, I, throughout this article,
will refer to the 2005 release from Dreamworks Animation.

With pictures under their belt like Woody Allen's Antz, Spirit,
Chicken Run, Shrek and Shrek 2 no one expected any
less of the former Disney company for this summer's
hottest animation. I did find something nearly
disturbing in the characterization of the animals in
the forefront of the film and the actors chosen to
enliven said animals...granted these actors prior roles
in Hollywood and the media.

The film tells the story of four Central Park Zoo
animals who have spent their lives in idyllic
captivity and are unexpectedly shipped back to Africa,
only to get shipwrecked and end up on the island of
Madagascar. The voices of Ben Stiller, Jada
Pinkett-Smith, Chris Rock and David Schwimmer are
featured to give life to these computer-generated
drawings. Other voices include Andy Richter (Ron
Ronnie Run and UCB), Sacha Baron Cohen (Da Ali G Show),
and Cedric the Entertainer (Kings of Comedy). Many of
these "actors," right off the bat, spring to mind a
ridiculous amount of sultry film roles and shaky
pasts.

Alex the lion was born in Central Park Zoo and into a
life of privilege. He is a star, an entertainer to
visitors and, in his mind, the king of his empire--
the zoo he has never left. His best friends are Marty,
Melman and Gloria. Our Alex is voiced by Ben Stiller--the
same Ben Stiller who tortured overweight adolescent
campers as Tony Perkins in 1995's Heavy Weights.
You might remember seeing the infant-neglecting
Stiller's major, dark side heroin addict, role in 1998's
Permanent Midnight. If that's not enough for you,
maybe you should head down to your local Blockbuster
to rent, if you dare, a film by the title "There's Something
About Mary." In this eye-covering flick you will surely be
inundated with pill-popping geriatrics, psychotic stalkers
and copious "humor" about such things as masturbation
and genital mutilation. These are only a couple of films under
Ben Stiller's belt, some too low-blowing to mention.

I move now to the Zebra, an animal most children
should be able to identify with. Marty the zebra is a
idealist and an adventurer, who constantly dreams
about getting to the wild. He wonders what life would
be like beyond the zoo's walls. One night, following
the successful escape of some other animals, he and
all his friends find out exactly what life on the
outside is like. Marty is played by, none other than,
the great African-American racist, Chris Rock.

With get-back roles ranging from parodied blaxsploitation
films to militant Black Panther acting to returning to Earth as
the missing black apostle and loan shark to Jesus,
Rock has carved his stardom from the bleak expense of
stereotypes at what some might call an extremely
separatist angle. Chris Rock's standup routines, such
as the DVD release of "Bigger and Blacker," are filled
with the foulest of language and unswervingly harsh
monologue. His brief musical career afforded the
release of the lasciviously worded "No Sex in the
Champagne Room."

Melman is a hypochondriac giraffe. Melman was
transferred to the Central Park Zoo as a young adult.
Melman was once a resident of the Bronx Zoo and
because of this believes he is the most cultured of
his animal buddies, the most experienced in his circle
of friends and the leader of the pack. Melman is
backed by, possibly the least disturbing of our
voices, David Schwimmer. Schwimmer, known for his
Ross character on television's "FRIENDS," hasn't quite
yet built the edgy reputation of his cohorts in
Madagascar, but must surely watch his step. With
roles in Neo-Nazi films like Apt Pupil and playing
crooked commanding officers, as he did in HBO's "Band
of Brothers," I believe there is nothing left to say as
to what might be assumed by Schwimmer's personal moral
and principle.

Jada Pinkett-Smith lends her lungs to Gloria the
hippopotamus. Born and raised in the Central Park Zoo,
she is friendly, energetic, and on the cutting edge of
style and latest fads. With ghetto gangster-glorifying
roles in films like "Menace II Society" and "Low Down
Dirty Shame," Pinkett-Smith surely produces a positive
young woman theme. Her role in the blackface Spike Lee
joint Bamboozled is nothing too pressing to speak of.
Gloria, our hippo, is the good-looking animal of the foursome.
With this attribute Gloria knows how to get what she wants, and
does. Using your looks and physical attributes
(tongue-in-cheek) couldn't, at all, set any kind of
example for the young girls watching in the audience.
Could it?

That is the exact point I am getting to with this
rant. What are we supposed to tell our children when
they grow up to realize the loving voice coming from
their favorite movie friend, Marty, is the same voice
spouting "F-this" and "F-that," and has the same
views of women as some mid-nineties gangster rap
video? What will little Johnny think when he sees Ben
Stiller stab his best friend in the back just to spike
up some "H" in a parked car with his year-old son
looking on?

Chris Rock once said, "If you are a man and you have
a daughter, you have one job in this life: Keep her
off the [stripper] pole!" How are these fathers supposed
to do so with curvy hippos flaunting their goods in
order to exploit a gentleman in company with every
anti-feministic sway and strut possible?

Someone I grew up knowing in film, and had the
pleasure of being in contact with, was Richard Pryor.
Imagine my distress after fondly knowing Richey from
"The Muppets" movie, "Superman III" and "Brewster's Millions"
only to find out he had acts such as "Super Nigger,"
and movies as grating as "Stir Crazy" and "Another You"
and a cocaine habit filling enough to kill an elephant.
I was crushed.

Speaking of such films, imagine if you will the
pairing of my childhood's Willy Wonka with the foul-mouthed
coke-head Pryor. Gene Wilder would never be the same in my
eyes. So will be said of many of the characters of Madagascar.

It is not my prerogative to incite boycott or a ban on Dreamworks
Animation, I leave that up to you. I felt, however, I might voice my
dismay or disgust, rather. Luckily, I wasn't foolish enough to force
this damning film on anyone younger than myself.

PERSPECTIVES (7/13)

A Pirated Movie Review

by Aaron Bennett Presley, esq.

Film Vomit. You know, I just can't get enough. I
thought, at first, I was getting tired of the endless pop-up-like
reality television life-drains until I got a dose of
the remakes Hollywood had for me this past year, and
near future.

Wow folks, everything you've already
seen...guess what, you get to see it all over again.
Hollywood's revenue is at a long time low, huh? This
might be because Studio-daddy decided to repaint every
mediocre box office smoosh, turn around and sell it to
us, at ten ridiculous USD-a-pop, as if it weren't the
fly-gathering lump of spillage it is.

How did they know I wasn't satisfied with Dukes of
Hazzard hillbilly rerun comedy on primetime CMT? I
didn't realize how by tossing, now mainstream, actors
into the situations of Darren and his witch Sam it
would reignite my longing for other Nick-at-Night's.

Throw an emaciating redheaded teen idol into a 60's
V-dub and you've got lines out the theater to see the
Love Bug. Take a nonchalant everyman like, say, Tom
Cruise, pair him up with the lovely Dakota Fanning and
you have a rapturing remake of Orson proportions.

This barely leaves room for another Stan Lee rip-off
from Marvel, let alone a prequel to add to the
gargling monotony of a once respectable super hero.
Romero has to install one more posthumous
thriller/comedy. Billy Bob must remind Matthau who's
now on his A-game. People, this isn't just bad news
for the Bears, it is for all of us. And if we
continue to dish out the 10-spot, as I did, to see
this regurgitation what are we saying about ourselves?

Once, in 1974, a director who was great at making
films of the genre (Dirty Dozen, The Grissom Gang, Too
Late Hero) made another film called The Longest Yard.
It was an instant classic. Some say this might have
had a lot to do with the film starring Burt Reynolds
(these same people might have had the same to say
about Dirty Dozen and good 'ole Charlie Bronson). The
film discovered a not-too-surprising success in the
money books. The film's tagline was "It's Survival of
the Fiercest and the Funniest."

This film never made onto the AFI top 100. The
Longest Yard was a good movie and storyline, but
wasn't a society-changing tool for filmmakers of the
future.

This, obviously, isn't how Peter Segal felt.

Segal is the director of several original comedies of
mention. Segal made the film Tommy Boy, a fairly
funny Chris Farley exploitation in the nineties. He
did Anger Management and 50 First Dates--both Adam
Sandler flicks carried by the contract of a couple of
other top listers. That seems to be the honey pot for
Segal--as a local construction firm might find
a wealth of profitable projects in the groundbreaking
of a state funded building or university, let's say--he,
among many other directors, has found a way to
deposit a check without having to go out and actually
find the work.

Now, I can say this not knowing much about the
Hollywood cascade of work, but I'm just speaking with
reference of how it seems to me. When pulling up to
the billing at your neighborhood cinema, the marquee is
full of old films and canceled television sitcoms.
What is our choice? I haven't an Angelika independent theater.
This, truly is why I have a netflix account and rarely
stray from the Indy or Documentary section.

Aside from adding a few modern techniques (a different
angle here and there) and applying some colloquial
humor, what do these remakes offer us? As I see it,
nothing. Oh wait, different taglines: "It was hard to
put a team together... until they found out who they
were playing."

TRANSLATED TERROR GROUP STATEMENT

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A person using the name "Nur al-Iman" and identified as a "new guest", posted to the jihadist website Al-Qal'ah (Fortress), qal3ah.net/vb, a statement issued by "The Secret Organization Group of Al-Qa'ida of Jihad Organization in Europe". In the statement, the group claims responsibility for the London "raid". The following is a translated text of the statement:

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"In the name of God, the merciful, the compassionate, may peace be upon the cheerful one and undaunted fighter, Prophet Muhammad, God's peace be upon him.

Nation of Islam and Arab nation: Rejoice for it is time to take revenge against the British Zionist crusader government in retaliation for the massacres Britain is committing in Iraq and Afghanistan. The heroic mujahideen have carried out a blessed raid in London. Britain is now burning with fear, terror and panic in its northern, southern, eastern, and western quarters.

We have repeatedly warned the British government and people. We have fulfilled our promise and carried out our blessed military raid in Britain after our mujahideen exerted strenuous efforts over a long period of time to ensure the success of the raid.

We continue to warn the governments of Denmark and Italy and all the crusader governments that they will be punished in the same way if they do not withdraw their troops from Iraq and Afghanistan. He who warns is excused.

God says: 'You who believe: If ye will aid (the cause of) Allah, He will aid you, and plant your feet firmly.'"

--from Wikipedia.com

PERSPECTIVES (7/6)

Boll Weevils: Nature's terrorists

West Texas bureau chief Justin Featherston illustrates the parallels between the global War on Terror and his battles with the elusive Boll Weevil in the cotton fields of America's heartland



by Justin Featherston

This weekend, as I heard countless people mention freedom and fighting for freedom, a sudden epiphany came to me--the war being fought against terrorism is almost synonymous with my fight against the boll weevil, Anthonomous grandis.

I am a Field Technician (trapper) for the Texas Boll Weevil Eradication Foundation who puts boll weevil traps around cotton fields to determine whether fields need to be sprayed with insecticide. Let me explain the similarities.

Terrorists try to cripple our economic system in any way they can through attacks that change our market systems. Boll weevils work from inside the United States trying to destroy part of our agricultural crop--cotton. If they succeed, the U.S. will rely more and more on foreign cotton which would cripple our infrastructure little by little. Devious little creatures, aren't they?

Next, troops use "cave-buster" bombs to draw terrorists out of caves in Afghanistan and then bomb them. At my job, trappers use traps to lure boll weevils and then we "bomb" the fields with insecticide.

Nowadays, it seems many Americans aren't satisfied with the War on Terror in Iraq and believe that the initial war in Afghanistan was all that was needed. Americans openly express their dissenting opinions about the current war in Iraq. Similarly, farmers explicitly tell trappers that the program to eradicate the boll weevil is unnecessary simply because the first few years eliminated most of the weevils in my area.

Finally, and most disturbingly, both terrorists and boll weevils will commit suicide to accomplish their goal. What immediately comes to mind when the word "terrorists" is uttered is the 9/11 attacks and suicide bombers. But, did you know that there are "suicide weevils" as well? These weevils come out of their hibernation cycle too early in the cotton stage to have any food to eat and therefore, die. Some might say this has no relation to the terrorist suicides, but the fact is that the boll weevils are testing the cotton to see how fast they can destroy the crop after it has been planted.

In summary, there are many more analogous actions taken by terrorists and boll weevils than these mentioned. Since there are many similarities, maybe the United States should use tactics that we trappers employ to catch terrorists. Also, the time has come for every man, woman, and child to help with the fight against boll weevils by killing all insects that have snouts or odd antennae. In time, perhaps we can defeat the weevil, and its cousin--the terrorist.

Featherston is the West Texas bureau chief for The Bastion and a business management undergraduate at Texas Tech University in Lubbock. He is also employed by the Texas Boll Weevil Eradication Foundation where he traps the ravenous boll weevil and protects cotton on the West Texas Plains.

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On the Web:

Information on the boll weevil from the Wikipedia Encyclopedia

The Texas Boll Weevil Eradication Foundation