PERSPECTIVES (7/25)

The final solution to the astronaut problem

by Jody L. Slaughter
editor and publisher

Last Tuesday, NASAsent the Discovery space shuttle into orbit--the first U.S. launch since the Columbia disaster. The launch is only the first step in President Bush's ambitious plan to return to the moon and put a man on Mars in the coming years.

Billions of dollars are expected to be spent developing the next generation of space vehicles to accomplish these goals. At this critical junction in the U.S. space program, I believe the time is right to begin discussing the merits and means of its continuation.

I realize that the space program has helped to develop hundreds of new technological innovations. From Velcro and the Tempur-Pedic Swedish Sleep Mattress, to ways of safely drinking one's own urine--the space program has greatly enriched our everyday lives. But at what cost to society?

The space program has also forced a new class of people into our national culture. No, it's not another "huddled mass" hailing from some far-off third world dictatorship, looking to start a new life for their families. These are elitists. They care nothing about you or your family, all they care about is getting back into space where they can float around weightless and conduct their secret "experiments." That's right, I'm talking about astronauts.

It would be easy for me to use this space to bash astronauts and bring up the old rumors that we've all heard over and over again (Astronauts are addicted to Tang, they eat their breakfast upside-down, they have to eat their food out of a blender, they drink their own urine even while on Earth, and any number of 'astro-nazi' and 'moon-cheese baby' references), but I'm not going to take that path today.

Instead, I'll present an example of a family and a town ruined by astronauts. A colleague of mine, Nato Johnson, made his living speculating on real estate in the suburbs of Houston. He purchased a number of homes in the city of Katy and hoped to make a handsome profit by waiting for the right moment to sell them.

Then the astronauts moved in.

Property values in the formerly upper-class township plummeted. It seemed that no one wanted to move their families into a neighborhood inhabited by astronauts.

"From the first weekend they moved in, the astronauts started having these crazed all-night parties," Glenda Fischer, a former Katy resident, said. "I watched them bring in case after case of Tang and vodka. And my god--that horrible techno remix of the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey--they would play it over and over and over again. It was very traumatizing."

Fischer now resides in the Badlands of Montana. An area which, to her knowledge, no astronaut has ever visited.

My colleague and his business were ruined. I haven't spoken to him in several years, but the last I heard he had sold his wife and both of his children to a wealthy Hong Kong businessman and used the money he made to finance his film, "Birth of a Station." The highly controversial film is considered to be the cornerstone of the "Astro-hate" movement. Using the International Space Station as a backdrop, he outlined the worst transgressions committed by astronauts in the past 50 years.

The mass exodus of "regular" people from astronaut-ridden neighborhoods has even inspired an enterprising land developer to build "astronaut-free" housing developments outside of Houston, Orlando and Huntsville, Ala. Before allowing a person to move into the development, a thorough background check is conducted to determine if he or she is, has ever been, or has family members who are astronauts.

Now I wouldn't say that I "hate" astronauts. Hate is a word that invokes a certain passion that doesn't accurately explain my feelings. I would say that I feel the same way about astronauts as I do about cats. They're both subhuman, worthless, despicable creatures who contribute nothing of value to society and therefore don't deserve the energy of my "hate." Hey astronauts, if you hate the Earth so much and have to leave---why don't you just stay gone?

My solution is simple: Instead of trusting billions of dollars in technology to these radical and emotionally-unstable astronauts, why not set up some kind of a "jury pool" where regular citizens are selected at random, trained and sent into space for a single mission. That way, the U.S. could protect the integrity of its space program without the corruption stemming from "career astronauts."

It won't be easy to convince the public to venture into space at the government's behest, however. The threat of a human becoming impregnated with an alien fetus while in space is very real. But with the money that we'll save by ending these astronauts' six-figure salaries, we should be able to generously compensate those citizens selected to travel into space.

My critics will surely ask, what of the astronauts? What happens to them after we've eliminated their jobs. My answer: What do I care? Deport them or something. Just keep them out of my neighborhood.

President Dwight D. Eisenhower, considered by many to be the father of the U.S. space program said it best:

"They started out sending monkeys into space, that was too cruel to the monkeys so now they send astronauts."