PERSPECTIVES (7/13)

A Pirated Movie Review

by Aaron Bennett Presley, esq.

Film Vomit. You know, I just can't get enough. I
thought, at first, I was getting tired of the endless pop-up-like
reality television life-drains until I got a dose of
the remakes Hollywood had for me this past year, and
near future.

Wow folks, everything you've already
seen...guess what, you get to see it all over again.
Hollywood's revenue is at a long time low, huh? This
might be because Studio-daddy decided to repaint every
mediocre box office smoosh, turn around and sell it to
us, at ten ridiculous USD-a-pop, as if it weren't the
fly-gathering lump of spillage it is.

How did they know I wasn't satisfied with Dukes of
Hazzard hillbilly rerun comedy on primetime CMT? I
didn't realize how by tossing, now mainstream, actors
into the situations of Darren and his witch Sam it
would reignite my longing for other Nick-at-Night's.

Throw an emaciating redheaded teen idol into a 60's
V-dub and you've got lines out the theater to see the
Love Bug. Take a nonchalant everyman like, say, Tom
Cruise, pair him up with the lovely Dakota Fanning and
you have a rapturing remake of Orson proportions.

This barely leaves room for another Stan Lee rip-off
from Marvel, let alone a prequel to add to the
gargling monotony of a once respectable super hero.
Romero has to install one more posthumous
thriller/comedy. Billy Bob must remind Matthau who's
now on his A-game. People, this isn't just bad news
for the Bears, it is for all of us. And if we
continue to dish out the 10-spot, as I did, to see
this regurgitation what are we saying about ourselves?

Once, in 1974, a director who was great at making
films of the genre (Dirty Dozen, The Grissom Gang, Too
Late Hero) made another film called The Longest Yard.
It was an instant classic. Some say this might have
had a lot to do with the film starring Burt Reynolds
(these same people might have had the same to say
about Dirty Dozen and good 'ole Charlie Bronson). The
film discovered a not-too-surprising success in the
money books. The film's tagline was "It's Survival of
the Fiercest and the Funniest."

This film never made onto the AFI top 100. The
Longest Yard was a good movie and storyline, but
wasn't a society-changing tool for filmmakers of the
future.

This, obviously, isn't how Peter Segal felt.

Segal is the director of several original comedies of
mention. Segal made the film Tommy Boy, a fairly
funny Chris Farley exploitation in the nineties. He
did Anger Management and 50 First Dates--both Adam
Sandler flicks carried by the contract of a couple of
other top listers. That seems to be the honey pot for
Segal--as a local construction firm might find
a wealth of profitable projects in the groundbreaking
of a state funded building or university, let's say--he,
among many other directors, has found a way to
deposit a check without having to go out and actually
find the work.

Now, I can say this not knowing much about the
Hollywood cascade of work, but I'm just speaking with
reference of how it seems to me. When pulling up to
the billing at your neighborhood cinema, the marquee is
full of old films and canceled television sitcoms.
What is our choice? I haven't an Angelika independent theater.
This, truly is why I have a netflix account and rarely
stray from the Indy or Documentary section.

Aside from adding a few modern techniques (a different
angle here and there) and applying some colloquial
humor, what do these remakes offer us? As I see it,
nothing. Oh wait, different taglines: "It was hard to
put a team together... until they found out who they
were playing."